I LOVE MY JOB SOMETIMES

DUMB-ASS FILES

I knew my night wasn’t going to go well from the get-go, I broke roll call with the rest of the shift, headed out into sub zero temperatures and searched out my patrol car, I didn’t have to look far the guy who had it during day shift parked it right behind the building so that was actually a plus, I drove around, dropped off my checklist and got my gear, as soon as I put my bag down in the car I got my first call an alarm call (set off because of the high winds) I clicked my portable radio and it was dead, I had accidentally left the battery on when I got off work last night. OK so now I know my routine of N.C.B.C wasn’t gonna happen (NCBC= No Calls Before Coffee) I took the call, got myself a new battery and damned if I didn’t get a MVA. I get on scene and it was a minor fender bender but both motorists are mad at eachother, so I got to mediate (in my community minor MVA accident’s without personal injury do not need an officer report) The motorists swap license and registration info in front of the officer and all is well with the world. Cool I thought, I can almost smell those coffee beans now…..NOT.

The kid (and I do mean kid) really young driver, visiting from Fla. never been in a MVA before tells me his license is at his gramma’s house (he forgot to grab his wallet) I being a cop and a very jaded one at that thinks he’s trying to put one over on me. (At this point I have the discression to lock him up as an out of state driver who cannot produce a license) But I’m Officer Nice Guy and at this moment I’m half froze and all about the Coffee….

I can actually see the Dunkin Donuts from the crash scene and if my nose wasn’t running because of the cold I’m sure I could have smelled the fresh ground hot liquid nirvana.

I request dispatch run his info. If they tell me that the computer says he has a Florida drivers license I’m off and ordering a large extra light no sugar before he can roll up his window. No such luck, Florida’s registry is DOWN, they are having computer problems of Blogger Proportions and will be unavailable for a time, sorry for the inconvienence. INCONVIENIENCE? If I don’t get some coffee soon someones getting tasered I swear!!!

Now due to three factors I make a decision. I got all the other driver’s information for the kid and the other driver has all but the kids D/L# so I can cut her free and let her go home. I’m gonna follow the kid to grammas house and let him produce his license for me. The 3 factors are:

  1. I have no faith in the dispatcher or the leaps computer operator this particular night, They aren’t the brightest bulbs on the tree if you catch my drift.
  2. The kid is nearly in tears, assuring me that if I want he will ride in the backseat cage of my patrol car and he will bring me to grammas to prove he’s got a license.
  3. At this point I’m on a non caffinated mission to find out if this kid is on the level or lying to me. (If he’s on the level he’s one lucky kid, if he’s lying he is sooooooooooo arrested)

We get to grammas and gramma ain’t home, I still haven’t arrested him but I tell him that he needs to voluntarily accompany me to the station where we can await the resurgance of Floridas Registry. He complies, we go to the station. We get to the stationhouse and wait. Fla. Registry finally comes up and Violla……. The kid is legit, a dumbass but legit. My faith in mankind is semi restored.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER I’M FINALLY SIPPING MY COFFEE

Next we got a call for a report of a possible domestic in progress. Ohhhhh, Joy, my favorite. When we arrive at the front door the guy takes off out the back, We hunt him down around the corner and as we are handcuffing him, he just blurts out. “I never hit her!!!! I never hit her!!! she’s lying!!!!!!” The only problem was that I had not yet told him what he was being arrested for or what she had accused him of.

I get him back to the station where he needs to be processed and booked. As I’m searching his back pockets, the friggin guy farts, cuts the mustard,passes gas,poops,rips one out however you want to say it The guy farted in my damned hand Aaaaaargh.

To his credit though he did say excuse me afterwards.

FILE UNDER: Never underestimate the stupidity of the common criminal


Finally was the guy who went into the local “Packy” liquor store for all you Non-Bostonians high as a kite intent on pilfering some Malibu Rum and munchies, he was so high that he didn’t see the store clerk seated behind the counter and as he went about filling his pockets the store clerk slides over locks the door, calls 911, confronts him, the high guy decides to make a run for it, slams into the door and as he gets up he’s snout up with the business end of the clerks 9mm handgun. The clerk ordered him to the ground and got cover behind the counter, holding him at bay until we arrive.

We roll up and see this guy behind the counter waving around a 9mm and the other guy whimpering on his knees on the floor. We disarm the clerk, assess the situation and as we are getting ready to cart away high guy, he starts yelling that he wants to file a counter complaint against the clerk. I’m thinking that one wont go nowhere.

FILE UNDER: This is your brain on drugs

Aside from that the night went nice and smooth all in all in my opinion. Dontcha think???????

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12 thoughts on “I LOVE MY JOB SOMETIMES

  1. I’ve never been farted on, but I always hated it when some drunk/punk kid/etc. would puke in my car. I had a drunk kid one night that I was transporting. He said he was going to puke. I hit my lights in the middle of one of the busiest intersections in the city, jumped out, pulled him from the car and let him regurgitate his supper in front of about 70 cars full of people. Oh, and he had had sausage pizza for supper, that was obvious. That kid needed to chew his food more.

  2. Goddess-lol!!!

    So glad you got your coffee. I was beginning to wonder if you went an entire shift caffiene-less!!!

  3. When I worked at the prison, I swear those greaseballs all held in it untill I walked into a cell and then it was like all 12 of them would let fly at the same time. And don’t you love morons who get injured while committing a crime and then try to sue the victum? Man’s level of stupidity never fails to amaze me.

  4. Brent-
    I have done the puke outside my cruiser shuffle a few times too. It’s funny how the longer you are on the sooner you know when they’re gonna erupt. But damn saussage pizza, that must have looked like a modern art masterpiece……

    Bat- I swear they learn he fart thing and all their other tricks in some sort of a “criminal academy” somewhere. And I wish I had a quarter for every bad guy who Ive heard threaten to sue cops for dumb shit they do to themselves.

    PS Bat- Boston Bruins in 7 this year right? LOL

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