STUFF I’VE LEARNED WHILE BEING A COP

  •  The running speed of a German Shepherd is at least twice that of the
    average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one,
    please calculate the “Rate x Time = Distance” formula ahead of time if you
    want to avoid getting bit.
  • If they say they “just met” another person, then they are close friends
    who just committed a crime and don’t want to be implicated with
    aforementioned friend.
  • Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something.
    Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something. 
  • If you get called to a 911 hangup and a guy answers the door with a 9
    month old child in his arms and says “Oh, the baby must have accidentally
    dialed it”, he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn’t
    want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.
  • If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it’s not unreasonable to expect you
    to know your friends last name. 
  • If you rob a gas station you’re only going to get $20, but I get to see
    a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep
    the $20. 
  • If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don’t
    need a warrant. 
  • If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you
    search it, they’ve got something, and it’s still gonna be their jacket. 
  •  We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them. 
  • Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant
    conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the
    influence or 3) possessing some felony warrant out for them. 
  • If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don’t believe your answer. 
  • If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I
    may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but
    I’m secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation. 
  • Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, “Screw you, you can’t
    do…” will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance. 
  • EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the
    victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy
    look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between. 
  • Nobody in the history of the world has ever had “just a couple of beers”
    and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances
    where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.
  • I know ALL my cousin’s last names. Especially the ones that I know well
    enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren’t really your
    cousin. 
  • “I get a check” is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen
    when I ask you where you work. 
  • No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot. 
  • If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you
    are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not
    like foot pursuits. 
  • If I ask you “is there anything in the car that’s illegal” and you say
    “not that I know of” or “there shouldn’t be”…..I get very excited..it’s
    like Christmas morning.
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6 thoughts on “STUFF I’VE LEARNED WHILE BEING A COP

  1. If I ask you “is there anything in the car that’s illegal” and you say
    “not that I know of” or “there shouldn’t be”…..I get very excited..it’s
    like Christmas morning.

    LOL!! I laugh like hell when I hear this on COPS, cuz you just know they’re gonna find something.

  2. Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something.
    Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.

    If I suddenly become invisible would that be suspicious too!!!

  3. XD! I love this, especially the last point.

    Is there anything in the car that’s illegal?

    >.>

    < .< Maybe…

  4. Christine, that answer comes out the most on all of the ones on this list. I swear, if I had a nickel for everyone who has said that to me (and I then found something illegal inside) I’d be rich and wouldnt have to do this job anymore

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