Bodily Function Policing (Disclaimer, Gross Material, Read at your own risk)

Ok, so there are a few things the drill instructors “neglect” to tell us fresh faced raw recruits when we are being trained for our “calling” in the noble profession of policing. Here’s one: We deal with people who give a shit litterally We have one totally skanky, junkie, hooker, general pain in the ass who I swear is part cockroach (And I mean that come the Armageddon, 3 things will survive, Cockroaches, Keith Richards, and This Ho’)

Today my first call, mind you it was before I was able to get my sweet nectar of the gods (Dunkin Donuts, Iced Black, with a TurboShot) Was to back up the officer dealing with this “creature”, It seems that she was upset with having been asked to leave the premiss of a hard working small business owner so she walked outside the store, dropped trow and took a big steaming pile of dung on the sidewalk right outside the store in full view of the store window (and any pedestrians happening to walk by at the time)

She then picked up said steamy pile and started doodle smearing it all over the store window. Now anyone who says us cops don’t earn our pay please feel free to encounter this woman, have to put “your” handcuffs on her dirty paws and transport this odoriferous fringe member of society to the police station where you will have to inventory her belongings, fingerprint her and place her in a holding cell, and that’s best case scenario, worst case is she’s ornery and wants to fight you.So you get the whole aromatic and soiled experience.

This call was just the beginning, I then got a mid day call (actually several concerned 911 calls) for the obviously intoxicated woman who was urinating on the sidewalk next to the Common in full view of and within 10-20 feet of a class of young 7-10 year old children participating in a field day with their day care teachers. As I arrived she had just “finished up” and was about to sit down in her puddle of piss and was re-sampling her 40 oz bottle of Bud Light, needless to say she also made the team and I had to cuff, book, print and cage this animal too. When I asked her why she chose to peepee in public, she said “The rooming house manager had just evicted her and she had to go potty” When I pointed out the little children in the area, she told me “well they didn’t have to watch if they didn’t want to” Classy lady there….

And finally I will leave you with a happy story, I get a call to check the well being of a 90 year old woman who had not been seen or heard from by her “concerned” family member in 2 weeks, As I recieve the call, I am already searching my cruiser bag for the Vicks Vapor Rub (A cop trick is to jam as much of that jelly up your nose if you believe you are about to encounter a dead body that has been there for awhile) I do this, arrive on scene where I have to wait just that much longer for a building manager to arrive with a key to her apartment, I make entry and find…….

The place is empty, as I’m scratching my head trying to figure out if this is a case of alien abduction, spontaneous human combustion, or whatnot, a janitor walks by me and informs me that he had just assisted her the other day with bringing her suitcases down to the taxi, she had gone on vacation to visit her sister in California. So some calls do end well I guess!!!!

File Under: Ewwww, Shitty Day, Pissy Attitude, and Going To California…..


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