I’ll bet that even with such a title you probably still will not be able to venture a guess at where I’m going with this post. So I’ll just go on and tell you. See it goes like this…

Friday night was a busy one in the city. Several calls right off the bat and finally after my 3rd or fourth call I was able to start heading across city to the only open 24 hours Dunkin’s.

As Im heading that way I hear a radio broadcast from one of my friend/ coworkers for shots fired (nitwits shooting out the window of a car) hes in pursuit of the vehicle, he loses sight for a brief second but picks it up parked on a sidestreet and one of the occupants is running back into the car after burying something in a snowbank.

He calls off the location and I’m like a half a block away. I throw on my lights and sirens and I’m there in seconds. We block the car in and conduct a felony stop (guns drawn, and verbally issuing commands at the vehicles occupants) ”Cut the engine, show hands, etc…” We waited for backup and when it arrived we issued commands for the vehicles occupants to exit the vehicle, we secured them and placed them into police cars for safety while we investigated the scene and looked inside the car (where we found a spent 45 cal shell casing) One of the several units that backed us up was a sherrifs department K9 unit.

The Officer who initiated the stop and saw the guy running back to the car advised the k9 handler of his suspicions that the kid had hidden the weapon in the snow or thrown it into the backyard of the house we were in front of. The K9  was then sent to search for the weapon.

Well, the K9 “Hit” on the scent of the gun and went directly to where it was in the snowbank and began furiously digging at the snow to uncover the weapon.

Now mind you there are bad guys seated in the back of  3 cruisers and about a half dozen or so officers milling about admiring the k9 doing his thang digging furiously, doing his job marvelously , when all of a sudden…..


The fucking dog, I have never seen this before and if I hadn’t been there when it happened I would not have believed it. But as he dug he somehow discharged the gun that was buried  in the snowbank.

The fucking dog jumped (I saw all 4 paws leave the snowbank at the same time) and he seemed to hover in the air for what seemed like eternity, But that I’m guessing was me freaking out just a little.

My initial reaction was to almost shit my pants…

I didn’t do that but I did check to make sure neither I nor any of the others on scene were hit, including the dog (In all seriousness I honestly thought the dog may have gotten shot in the face) But he was not hit.

Miraculously, the gun was pointed in the only direction it could have been to avoid hitting anyone. The round went into the siding of a house. We woke the occupants of the house and checked to make sure everyone was ok and then we all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

However being cops and having the warped sense of humor that being a cop affords you it did not take time for us to ponder the question, How would we have wrote it up if the gun had discharged pointed at one of the handcuffed suspects in the back of our patrol cars. And if it had have gone down like that would the K9 have been afforded a PBA Rep, put on administrative leave, had to see the department psychologist prior to being cleared for duty  or had to go through an officer involved shooting review process. These are questions we needed to have answered damnit

And that my friends got me to thinking how I would sound at the internal affairs  interview giving my account of what had happened.

And I still didn’t get my coffee till much later in the shift, but thats a post for another day.

And how was your weekend?????

Bodily Function Policing (Disclaimer, Gross Material, Read at your own risk)

Ok, so there are a few things the drill instructors “neglect” to tell us fresh faced raw recruits when we are being trained for our “calling” in the noble profession of policing. Here’s one: We deal with people who give a shit litterally We have one totally skanky, junkie, hooker, general pain in the ass who I swear is part cockroach (And I mean that come the Armageddon, 3 things will survive, Cockroaches, Keith Richards, and This Ho’)

Today my first call, mind you it was before I was able to get my sweet nectar of the gods (Dunkin Donuts, Iced Black, with a TurboShot) Was to back up the officer dealing with this “creature”, It seems that she was upset with having been asked to leave the premiss of a hard working small business owner so she walked outside the store, dropped trow and took a big steaming pile of dung on the sidewalk right outside the store in full view of the store window (and any pedestrians happening to walk by at the time)

She then picked up said steamy pile and started doodle smearing it all over the store window. Now anyone who says us cops don’t earn our pay please feel free to encounter this woman, have to put “your” handcuffs on her dirty paws and transport this odoriferous fringe member of society to the police station where you will have to inventory her belongings, fingerprint her and place her in a holding cell, and that’s best case scenario, worst case is she’s ornery and wants to fight you.So you get the whole aromatic and soiled experience.

This call was just the beginning, I then got a mid day call (actually several concerned 911 calls) for the obviously intoxicated woman who was urinating on the sidewalk next to the Common in full view of and within 10-20 feet of a class of young 7-10 year old children participating in a field day with their day care teachers. As I arrived she had just “finished up” and was about to sit down in her puddle of piss and was re-sampling her 40 oz bottle of Bud Light, needless to say she also made the team and I had to cuff, book, print and cage this animal too. When I asked her why she chose to peepee in public, she said “The rooming house manager had just evicted her and she had to go potty” When I pointed out the little children in the area, she told me “well they didn’t have to watch if they didn’t want to” Classy lady there….

And finally I will leave you with a happy story, I get a call to check the well being of a 90 year old woman who had not been seen or heard from by her “concerned” family member in 2 weeks, As I recieve the call, I am already searching my cruiser bag for the Vicks Vapor Rub (A cop trick is to jam as much of that jelly up your nose if you believe you are about to encounter a dead body that has been there for awhile) I do this, arrive on scene where I have to wait just that much longer for a building manager to arrive with a key to her apartment, I make entry and find…….

The place is empty, as I’m scratching my head trying to figure out if this is a case of alien abduction, spontaneous human combustion, or whatnot, a janitor walks by me and informs me that he had just assisted her the other day with bringing her suitcases down to the taxi, she had gone on vacation to visit her sister in California. So some calls do end well I guess!!!!

File Under: Ewwww, Shitty Day, Pissy Attitude, and Going To California…..

SARCASM: It will bite you in the ass!!!!!

Ok so a little back story.

We have a rookie cop working days who is a real go-getter. Some say he’s bucking for detectives, some say he really still thinks he can save everyone.

Me I honestly believe he just hasn’t had the “Ohh Shit” call, the call every wretched grizzled veteran has had.The call where you realize at some point (either during it, or more commonly sometime afterwards) that fate has stepped in, that you, your partner, an innocent bystander, the bad guy or all of the above in all honesty probably shouldn’t be doing the whole “alive” thing. But for some reason (Grace of God, Fickle Hand of Fate) everyone made it out alright.

That type of call changes everyone that has experienced it, some fold, some rise to the top, some embrace religion, some become jaded and cynical and most will do some combination of the above. When he responds to his Ohhh shit call we will find out if I was right.

Ok so that’s the back story. On to the feature…

Today at roll call, the official went through his notes, passed on the information we needed to know and gave us our assignments. On the way out, he handed us a printed BOLO (be on the lookout) poster. It was a female subject with warrants that was seen in the downtown area just prior to our shift, the main descriptor that stood out was that she was wearing a bright yellow tanktop. As I was leaving I took 2 and made a big production of giving it to the rookie, busting his chops and letting him know I didn’t think he could find her during the time allotted in the shift. (I totally knew if anyone could it would be this kid. He’s tenacious as all hell)

The one tidbit of info on this subject that they didn’t pass on was that she has had cardiac issues. So as soon as this kid located arrested and booked her, sure as shit she started complaining of shortness of breath (To a seasoned criminal a hospital bed is much more preferable than a jail cell cot.

Soooooo, long story short, the court wouldn’t take her until she was medically cleared so rookie boy got sent up to the hospital to babysit her which meant I had to cover my duties and now his sector (due to manpower and budget constraint issues) But to add insult to injury, I got sent up to the hospital to relieve rookie boy for his lunch hour, and for the entire hour the chick complained, abot me, the nurses, the hospital, her level of care etc, ad infinitum. I burned rubber out of the parking lot to get away from her when rookie returned from his lunch. My innocent sarcastic hazing of the rookie ended up making tons of extra work for me today.

So boys and girls, the morale of the story is: Keep your stinking pie hole shut during roll call and your day will run much smoother than if you decide to razz the rookie.

File Under: Won’t do that again!!!!!!

Riding the Bull (Taser Training Video)

This one’s an oldie but goodie. We were issued tasers and back in 2009 we had the “opportunity” to test off on them for our certification. Below is mine. Enjoy!!!!



Ok so I get a call today, the info from the dispatcher is sparse (Male on phone requesting police, female in background crying, then the caller hung up, no answer on callback)

Oh great an unknown! I hate unknowns, I like knowns, I like to have the in-fo….I like to be able to formulate a plan of action that 99 times out of 100 will go to shit the moment I get on scene. Unknowns are well….UNKNOWN!!!!

Could be something

Could be noothing

We just don’t know???

So I roll up on scene and theres this kid sitting on the stairs looking down holding his phone with an expression of Mr. Policeman I want to be anywhere but here. Standing right next to him was a girl, clutching onto the arm of his shirt, with the worst case of  raccoon looking,cried out eye shadow that I’ve ever seen   (I swear I almost jumped to the conclusion that he punched her in the face and gave her two black eyes at first glance) Both the guy and girl were about 17 years old and go to the local High School.

I tactically make my approach and ask for them to identify themselves and briefly tell me what the problem is.

The guy tells me his name and date of birth, good start

The girl, well lets just say I honestly thought that the only 13 words she could say were: “I just wanted to talk to him, I dont want to get arrested!!!”,

Please tell me your name mam?

“I just wanted to talk to him, I dont want to get arrested!!!”,

What is the problem today?

“I just wanted to talk to him, I dont want to get arrested!!!”,

Well, I think you get the point

When my backup got on scene we finally sorted through all the b/s of what happened today, they got dismissed from school today and she followed him trying to apologize and rekindle their relationship, he told her several times he really didn’t want to talk to her and that she needed to leave him alone, finally in desperation he told her if she didn’t stop following him, he was going to call the cops, she didn’t and he did.

Now as it happens, ironically, the backup officer had fielded a call a few weeks ago with these same 2 individuals. He tells me that on his call he learned they had been going out for about two years and the guy broke off the relationship, so the girl did what any rational thinking young lady would do…

Move on you say? Nope

Get a hot looking stud and make him eat his heart out you say? Nope

She crept to his house under cover of darkness and smashed a window with a rock, unfortunately for her his mommy was pulling in the driveway as she made her escape and identified her.

Well at least that explains the “I dont want to get arrested” I think to myself, and chuckle a bit.

So I make sure both of them dont have any warrants or anything and make a big production of pulling the guy aside and loudly admonishing him for not talking to the dispatcher and hanging up on them when he called for assistance, however under my breath and outside of earshot of raccoon girl I strongly advise him to seek a restraining order and let him know that I’m going to keep interviewing her for only A FEW MOMENTS MORE… <Hint-Hint> I then yell at him to get the hell home now!!! He takes the hint and makes like Bruce Jenner down the street.

I keep asking her stupid questions for a bit so that she can’t chase him down and have another try at him (not so much for his safety but for my sanity) If she catches him, he will call us again and I will again have to play kiddie counselor.

So ended the crime of the century for today, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the guy had a pet rabbit and fear for its safety


A No Hitter

OK, so in baseball, a no hitter is a really good thing for a pitcher, acolades,front page above the fold headlines, and a bargaining chip for the next round of contract talks…..

For a cop working in a busy, crime ridden, god forgotten, old mill city  its an even better thing, it means I wasn’t dispatched to any calls for the entire 8hr shift. I backed up a few other cops on their calls, and moved a few double parkers along, but dispach never called my car number today.

It was awesome, no paperwork, no being stuck at any particular scene. Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.

Today I got me a bear skin rug AND a trophy head…

It would have been a perfect game (no calls AND no errands or administrative assists), but I was tasked by the sergeant at roll call to go up to the hospital and relieve the previous prisoner watch officer for an hour till the prisoner was medically cleared for court. But no dispatcher ever called my car number so on a technicality I got a no hitter.  I am still looking to have the elusive perfect game…..

Day Shift

I recently shift bid to days, it was a minor financial hit but the other benefits are fantastic. I have a “normal” cop schedule (or as normal as a cop schedule can be) I can actually interact with my family without being either cranky or zombie-ish, and the best benefit of all is that I am back on a consistent workout and diet schedule.

For me working the odd shifts (mids and early nights) I found it easier to grab takeout and blow off workouts. The odd hours are a built in excuse (I’m tired… I got court…Road Job…chores to do, and the list goes on) Thankfully I have some great friends who are very supportive and massive weight loss (I know I wont get back to academy type shape, but I need to lose the midnight saddle bags) while very important comes in a distant second to actually feeling better physically and mentally. There are still work related stresses around here that go beyond the normal “badge stress” but that’s another post for another day.

Why didn’t I come to days years ago!!!!!


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